Band woes... need some advise...

[RobRR]

This is gonna be a bit long but I wanna give as much info as possible...

Alright, Im having a hard time dealing with some stuff... Im at the point where I cant tell if Im the one being unreasonable or not and I could really use some help, because its taking its toll on me.

To give a quick rundown, I joined the band in early Jan. The drummer was also doubling as the manager, as he was the one that started the band.

We decided to do some recordings, and it was taking alot longer than the drummer liked and he really started pushing us. The original guitarist was really struggling so they decided to let him go. Meanwhile all the recording was being done at my place, so after he left, it all fell on me. The constand nagging really bothered me... Ive got a full time job and a family at home, so yeah, I couldnt dedicate all my time to it... I figured he would realize this considering he had 4 kids of his own living at home but anyway.

Some shit started stirring in the band, the drummer getting on our singer constantly, our bassist couldnt keep up, it seemed like I was the only voice of reason for the longest time, and I was fine with that as thats usually how I am to begin with. Then finally my friend who I grew up with decideds to join as our 2nd guitarist, and another friend of mine offeres to take over management position... this should eleviate some of the inter-band stress, right?

Nope. We have had band meeting after band meeting, issue after issue, non-stop drama regarding anything and everything.

We decided to go into a real studio, and we do... lay the drums, guitars (sans solos) and vocals down... the vocals didnt come out well, and our singer was being flaky at the time, so everyone was calling to fire him but me... again, I was the level headed one. The animosity continued in the band. Obvously money and time being an issue, our studio recordings are taking a while... my solos werent ready, singer didnt have money for studio... then of all people, the drummer turns on ME! The one person he could ALWAYS turn to. We finally go into the studio last thursday and I lay down my solo on one song and singer finishes up vocals. All seems well.

Then tonight I find out through fucking facebook none the less, that theyve decided on a name for our EP. WTF? There are so many other things that I just dont feel like typing out... so much shit going on behind backs, decisions being made without everyone in the band being notified... Im just having a real hard time dealing with it and honestly, Im feeling betrayed. Ive got enough stress in daily life, the band is supposed to be fun and a release for me, not the source of 90% of my stress. After all these issues, I really have a feeling that things wont be the same, now that Ive patched things up between the singer and drummer, theyre all buddy buddy again, and now theres 2 sides to the band, yet again.

What it comes down to is, the drummer still thinks this is HIS band, and other band members are feeding that by constantly going to him, not to our management. I know alot of you have been in bands before, what do you HONESTLY think of the situation? The band definitley has potential and I really dont want to miss an opportunity, but at the same time, is it worth putting myself through this? This is my 2nd band, first one I left because of creative differences... you know the story on this one. Is this how shit goes on in most all bands? If so, I think Im about to hang it up.

[Strat God]

Well your first mistake was doing the recording in your home when you had a family and full time job to attend to. Those guys probably don't have the responsibility you have so another place for the band to call home would be better.
#2- if the rest of the guys keep going to the drummer and he gives them answers and makes decisions - well- he's the leader. Someone has to do it and you're thinking you'd do a better job at running the band than him.
Somtimes a leader just 'emerges' from the band and that's the way it is.

You said yourself your too busy to comitt 100% anyway - let the drummer run the show and deal with it. If it gets to the point you can't deal with it leave and get in with another band.

Don't let the petty little stuff ruin your day.

[jgcable]

Sounds like normal band shit to me bro. I have been in bands since the late 70's and just about every one of them had all he crap you mentioned. My latest band for the last 3 years finally... has none of the crap and all of the good stuff.
Don't sweat it. Don't micro-manage it. Don't turn it into a soap opera.
Since you have 4 kids, other responsibilities... limited time, etc.... you shouldn't care if they come up with a name without you or if they run to the drummer for every little thing. Distance yourself from the bullshit and just focus on playing.
If you can't deal with it... do what Jeff said. Quit.

[RobRR]

Just to clarify, I have two kids, the drummer has 4. The whole thing is, hes 37, 10 years older than us... and he knows hes running out of time to "make it" hence him pushing everyone so hard... while thats admirable, you cant bank on making it... I know I sure dont. Everyone else in the band has a family so its not like were the only ones, this is across the board here.

Yes, volunteering to do the recording was a mistake I wont make again. As far as him being the leader, he wasnt doing a good job... he was pushing everyone waaay beyond the point of fun, which was why we decided on management. When we I do something, I want it done right... if we have management, then Im going to go to them with issues... but why am I the only one who does it? Im an equal part of this band, yet Im beginning to feel like Im not.

Most of the soap opera drama shit is coming from everyone else, and Im always the one trying to diffuse it... guess Im just getting stuck in the middle.

Distance yourself from the bullshit and just focus on playing.

I think thats what Im going to have to learn to do... but its hard for me, when I give my all to something, I want to be involved in every aspect of it. The music I write IS a part of me, and knowing that other people in the band are making decisions about MY music without me really, in a way, hurts. I put my all into each and every song, and I believe I deserve to be able to do that with anything regarding the music, too.

Weve got a couple big shows coming up, Ill lay low, play the shows, do my part and see what happens I guess?

[jgcable]

Just to clarify, I have two kids, the drummer has 4. The whole thing is, hes 37, 10 years older than us... and he knows hes running out of time to "make it" hence him pushing everyone so hard... while thats admirable, you cant bank on making it... I know I sure dont. Everyone else in the band has a family so its not like were the only ones, this is across the board here.

Yes, volunteering to do the recording was a mistake I wont make again. As far as him being the leader, he wasnt doing a good job... he was pushing everyone waaay beyond the point of fun, which was why we decided on management. When we I do something, I want it done right... if we have management, then Im going to go to them with issues... but why am I the only one who does it? Im an equal part of this band, yet Im beginning to feel like Im not.

Most of the soap opera drama shit is coming from everyone else, and Im always the one trying to diffuse it... guess Im just getting stuck in the middle.



I think thats what Im going to have to learn to do... but its hard for me, when I give my all to something, I want to be involved in every aspect of it. The music I write IS a part of me, and knowing that other people in the band are making decisions about MY music without me really, in a way, hurts. I put my all into each and every song, and I believe I deserve to be able to do that with anything regarding the music, too.

Weve got a couple big shows coming up, Ill lay low, play the shows, do my part and see what happens I guess?

At 37 with 4 kids.. your drummer isn't running out of time. His clock ran out at least 2 kids ago. I'm 47 with 3 kids... 15, 17 and 19 and I don't even have a clock.
Now.. some tough love bro. If you TRULY are giving it your all you would say fuck your family and fuck any of your responsibilities if they interfere with ANY aspect of the band.
What does that mean??? I'll tell you.
Say.. for instance that your drummer got a call tonight for your band to do a 5 week mini tour in England. Could you do it? Could he?
My guess is the answer is no. Thats not giving your all bro. Giving your all is marching into your job and telling your boss you need 5 weeks off. If he isn't willing to give you the time off.. you should quit! After all... its all about giving your all to the band. Right?? Giving your all to the band is telling your wife and 2 kids (or 4 kids) that you will see them in 5 weeks so they better start eating PB&J sandwiches.

Here is a little story. Back 20 years ago I was in a very popular cover band. We toured with Twisted Sister and Zebra. The band ALWAYS came first above EVERYTHING. I gave my band "my all".
I was dating a girl that I met at a gig and after many years of banging a different girl every week I decided to settle down and I got married.
My bandmates (who were my school friends for many many years) told me... "yo bro... now you are putting your wife ahead of the band and thats not cool". Then.. she got pregnant. When Nick was born the told me"first it was your wife ahead of the band... not its your kid too!"
They then proceded to toss me out of my own band because I couldn't give it "my all". I was pissed at the time but in retrospect.. they were 100% correct. They wanted to pack up the vans and move out to Cali to make a go of it on the strip. I had a wife and kid at home. They were giving the band their all. I wasn't.. even though I wrote all the songs, I was the lead singer, I set up the PA and booked most of the gigs.
Of course.. there are different levels of commitment but my point is.. look at how much you REALLY put into the band and how much you REALLY are willing to sacrifice for the band before you stand up in front of your bandmates and start spewing how dedicated and commited you are.
For most of us.. music was supposed to be a career. Instead.. it turned into a REALLY cool hobby. Believe me.. your 37 year old drummer with 4 kids knows that 100%. If you want to call him out.. pose to him that England story I told you about. It happened to my band 4 weeks ago btw...

[RobRR]

I hear ya John, and you know I definitley appreciate all the advice. Though, when I said I give it my all, I meant to the music I write, not the band in general. I know I cant give the band my 100% attention... NONE of us currently in the band are in the position to do so, and everyone will admit that... well maybe aside from the drummer, hes trying to give it all and damaging his marriage in the process, but thats another story.

Im gonna do what you suggested, and as I told the singer 10 minutes ago... from now on, Im just a guitarist... thats it. Ill focus on playing my parts and putting on a good show. Ya'll can deal w the drama.

On a side note tho, my stepdad is my boss... my girl is very supportive of me as well, so as long as the finances were in order, Id be down for a 5 week tour as long as it didnt cost me anything out of my pocket.

[jgcable]

I hear ya John, and you know I definitley appreciate all the advice. Though, when I said I give it my all, I meant to the music I write, not the band in general. I know I cant give the band my 100% attention... NONE of us currently in the band are in the position to do so, and everyone will admit that... well maybe aside from the drummer, hes trying to give it all and damaging his marriage in the process, but thats another story.

Im gonna do what you suggested, and as I told the singer 10 minutes ago... from now on, Im just a guitarist... thats it. Ill focus on playing my parts and putting on a good show. Ya'll can deal w the drama.

On a side note tho, my stepdad is my boss... my girl is very supportive of me as well, so as long as the finances were in order, Id be down for a 5 week tour as long as it didnt cost me anything out of my pocket.

Good luck. It appears that you have the right attitude. If it aint fun.. it aint worth it. Focus on doing your job and doing it well. Its hard to fault a musician who knows his shit no matter what extra horseshit there is floating around. Lets use a quote from that last Rocky Balboa movie...
"Fighters Fight"

[RacerX]

Rob's band update?!

Well, Rob??????? :ROTF:

How goes it?

You know I only care about the few topics I am bumping!