Jokes thread

[SlasZ]

To start off:

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?"

Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?", and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black.

The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room.

Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

[SlasZ]

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist.
At every bad situation he would always say "It could have been worse."
His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked, "Where's Gary?"
And one of his friends said, "Didn't you hear? Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself."
Joe says, "Well it could have been worse."
Both his friends said, "How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!"
Joe says, "if it happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!"

[SlasZ]

A lady and her baby get on a bus.

The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"

The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"

The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."

[SlasZ]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying: "Whoa... What happened next?"

[SlasZ]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied: "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

[SlasZ]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple
are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married
in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed
and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they
discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in
Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What
if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informs the couple,
"you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering,
what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce
in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard
onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months
to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long
it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

[SlasZ]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

[SlasZ]

A family was having some people to dinner.

At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

[SlasZ]

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable."

[LouSiffer]

Momma Italian is upset about her boys weight, so she starts crying to poppa Italian.

Poppa goes to his first son Vincent and says in thick italian accent: " Vincent, you momma...she's a upset about you weight....why da fuck you so fat, huh?"

Vincent: " Poppa, its mommas lasagna poppa....I got to take the big bite poppa."

Poppa: " What you say you take a smaller bite, lose some weight and make you momma happy..okay?"

Vincent: " Sure poppa, anything to make momma happy."

So then Poppa goes to his second son Dominic and says: " Dominic, you momma...she's a upset about you weight....why da fuck you so fat?"

Dominic: " Poppa, its mommas spaghetti poppa....I got to take the big bite poppa."

Poppa: " What you say you take a smaller bite, lose some weight and make you momma happy..okay?"

Dominic:" Sure poppa, anything to make momma happy"

So Poppa goes to his third son Anthony and says " Anthony, I had a problem with your other two brothers and I have a different problem with you. Why the fuck you so skinny, you not like you mommas cookin'?"

Anthony: " Noooo poppa....I love momma's cookin. But, all day long, all I eat is pussy, pussy, pussy poppa."

Poppa: " Why the fuck you eat pussy for,it tastes like shit!"

Anthony: "No Poppa!! You takin too bigga bite, you got to take the smaller bite."

Thank you , I will be here all week.-Lou

[Super_shredder]

What does a pirate knit with?
YARRRn!

[Super_shredder]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

[Super_shredder]

Why do lions always eat raw meat?
(Because they don't know how to cook.)

my wife has told me to say sorry for telling these really bad jokes

so "im sorry"

[Twisteramps]

Insert warning here for ladies or sensitive male types..... crude jokes ahead









What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?

The toilet doesn't follow you around for days after you're done using it.



How do you tell if a woman is satisfied?

WHO CARES!



How do you get a drummer off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza



What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?

The large pizza can feed a family of four


Thanks, I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress, just don't tip her over.

[YetAnotherOne]

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender glances up and says, "What is this, some kind of fucking joke?"