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Well, Jeff Foxworthy has " You might be a redneck....", Bill Engvall has " Here's your sign", Larry the Cable guy has " Git er done"...... I have " My Wife..".
I am seriously thinking about writing a script for me to perform at The Funny Bone Comedy Club in Columbus,OH on ameteur nite. You really need to have family in order to be a great comic... a wife ( unless you are one of the lucky gay community that got married under some wierd law that was passed for about 12 hours to allow same sex marriages ), children ( I found a pair of these on sale at Wal-Mart ), and in-laws who do not mind bearing all in front of you , but, do not realize you are about to exploit their personal lives for other peoples amusement ( which I was also blessed to have found......at Wal-Mart ).
My wife alone is an endless supply of material. While she is truly a good hearted person, she is a ditz..... a dingbat....well, to be honest....she is blonde.
And as all typical females, while she is shopping, if she sees a " SALE" sign above womens clothes..... she gets this uncontrollable urge to check out EVERY DAMNED item on that rack. She is pulling clothes off the rack and inspecting it....like she is actually going to buy it. This shirt is so damned ugly, you would not give this to a person you hate. I mean this shirt is so ugly, I wouldn't use it to wipe the dipstick off when I checked the oil. But, its on sale.....got to finger it. Got to look at it and see if there is a use for it. Oh yeah, she really has to give this shirt the good once over......for what seems like days. As I am standing there in this temporary taste of eternal damnation, a light piercing down from heaven above, as if in some small way, to give me a sign that God feels sorry for me, illuminates a sign that reads " Wet Paint ". THANK YOU LORD!!! Now I don't have to sit their and watch my possessed wife look through clothes fit for trailer queens......I can do something a little more creative.....like watch that paint dry. I am a man. I do not comprehend this logic. I can look at something and know that I like it in about half a second. If I do like it, I look for my size....which is XXL.....or fat ass as my friends like to put it in Layman's terms.
My in-laws are truly the greatest people on the planet. Really, they are. However.....I feel they duped me. How, you ask. Well, when my wife and I told her about our plans of marriage, I should have gotten a clue when her father, a 6'1", 300 pound man, started doing backflips down the isle of Red Lobster. Yes, hindsight is always 20/20. After he sat down and ordered drinks for everyone in the restaraunt, he proceeded to tell me that if we lived together before we got married, he would not pay for the wedding. As I ASSUMED this was due to his religious upbringing, I respected his wishes.....plus, for what it costs for a wedding, I could by a whole shit ple of guitar stuff. You did notice I said ASSUMED, right? We all know what ASSUMING does.....it makes an ASS out of U and ME. Well, now I realize what I was saying about how he would not pay for the wedding if we lived together first. I just did not read between the lines at the moment this was said. I will translate between the lines for you: " If we lived together before the wedding, he would not pay for it....because I undoubtedly would not have married her". I really did not live my life this bad to deserve this. Okay, maybe I did ,but, I was assuming that since life isn't always fair, and that some people get screwed while doing the right thing...it would stand to reason that there are those of us that have done the wrong thing.....or in my case, done A LOT of wrong things, I would have gotten away with it. Nooooo. Huh-uh.....not even close.
My wife for example, decides she was going to put a roast in the crock pot while she was at work and come home to fix dinner. She leaves for work at 6:00AM....I do not even get to bed until 3:00AM. At 7 in the morning, I hear someone beating the hell out of my front door. I jump up, all googly eyed, my hands are numb from sleeping on them, fighting to put some pants on. I open the door and see its my father in-law.....all googly eyed as well. My first though was something happened to my wife on the way to work. Nope, it seems she realized that the crock pot was brand new and one of her co-workers informed her that it is often common practice that a new crock pot will have a piece of paper between the pot and the heating element. My wife calls her dad to have him come to my house to check and see if the papaer had been removed. This was awful nice of him to do so. After he informs me of this we check the crock and all is good. No paper. Later that day, my wife calls me and tells my why she sent her dad over. She did not want to wake me up. I then asked her " Honey, if I am the only one home.....and your dad does not have the key.....how the hell do you think he got in?" There was a moment of silence as I could hear the wind whistling through her earlobes. Yup, the light are on ,but nobody's home with this woman. She then replies " Oh yeah.....anyway, you might want to get something to eat on the way home."....What?! You just had a roast in the crock pot. She couldn't have. She did. The only way you can screw up a roast in a crock pot is if you put the roast in , turn it on high, and not add water... which she exactly did.
Now, my wife is a true blonde. Dumb to the core. She sales supplies to doctors' offices such as chairs, storage bins, brief cases, etc. She sold some items to a doctor and asked the doctor for her e-mail address so she could send her the tracking #. After about an hour, she fianlly got tired of having her e-mails returned due to having the incorrect address. She calls the doctor back and confirms the address. Then my wife asks her " How do you spell MSN......does that start with an "I" or an "E"?"
Oh, thats not the best. Just a couple of weeks ago, my blonde wife decides to go have highlights put in her hair......ummm, blonde colored highlights at that. Please, don't ask. I have yet to figure that one out. Anyways, she comes in and is all excited that she fdound shampoo to use with her hair coloring treatment ( highlights ). As you can imagine, I just did not share her enthusiam. Later that evening, I decide to go take a shower before going to bed. As I am scrubbing up, I look over and see this big bottle of shampoo she just bought and read the label....there is jsut no way that someone can be this dumb and survive as long as she has. It has to be a record or something. The label reads " Pantene........For Women of Color ". I get out of the shower and broght this to my wife's attention. I tried to explain to her that it is for OF color...not with color and that technically, pale white is a color, that is not what they meant. It was meant for black women. Well, my feels that I am just trying to pull a fast one on her. Trust me, you do not have to pull a fast one on her....slow and steady is just as successful. She calls up her hair stylist to see if I was telling her the truth. Of course I was.
Gentlemen, welcome to my world. -Lou
I am seriously thinking about writing a script for me to perform at The Funny Bone Comedy Club in Columbus,OH on ameteur nite. You really need to have family in order to be a great comic... a wife ( unless you are one of the lucky gay community that got married under some wierd law that was passed for about 12 hours to allow same sex marriages ), children ( I found a pair of these on sale at Wal-Mart ), and in-laws who do not mind bearing all in front of you , but, do not realize you are about to exploit their personal lives for other peoples amusement ( which I was also blessed to have found......at Wal-Mart ).
My wife alone is an endless supply of material. While she is truly a good hearted person, she is a ditz..... a dingbat....well, to be honest....she is blonde.
And as all typical females, while she is shopping, if she sees a " SALE" sign above womens clothes..... she gets this uncontrollable urge to check out EVERY DAMNED item on that rack. She is pulling clothes off the rack and inspecting it....like she is actually going to buy it. This shirt is so damned ugly, you would not give this to a person you hate. I mean this shirt is so ugly, I wouldn't use it to wipe the dipstick off when I checked the oil. But, its on sale.....got to finger it. Got to look at it and see if there is a use for it. Oh yeah, she really has to give this shirt the good once over......for what seems like days. As I am standing there in this temporary taste of eternal damnation, a light piercing down from heaven above, as if in some small way, to give me a sign that God feels sorry for me, illuminates a sign that reads " Wet Paint ". THANK YOU LORD!!! Now I don't have to sit their and watch my possessed wife look through clothes fit for trailer queens......I can do something a little more creative.....like watch that paint dry. I am a man. I do not comprehend this logic. I can look at something and know that I like it in about half a second. If I do like it, I look for my size....which is XXL.....or fat ass as my friends like to put it in Layman's terms.
My in-laws are truly the greatest people on the planet. Really, they are. However.....I feel they duped me. How, you ask. Well, when my wife and I told her about our plans of marriage, I should have gotten a clue when her father, a 6'1", 300 pound man, started doing backflips down the isle of Red Lobster. Yes, hindsight is always 20/20. After he sat down and ordered drinks for everyone in the restaraunt, he proceeded to tell me that if we lived together before we got married, he would not pay for the wedding. As I ASSUMED this was due to his religious upbringing, I respected his wishes.....plus, for what it costs for a wedding, I could by a whole shit ple of guitar stuff. You did notice I said ASSUMED, right? We all know what ASSUMING does.....it makes an ASS out of U and ME. Well, now I realize what I was saying about how he would not pay for the wedding if we lived together first. I just did not read between the lines at the moment this was said. I will translate between the lines for you: " If we lived together before the wedding, he would not pay for it....because I undoubtedly would not have married her". I really did not live my life this bad to deserve this. Okay, maybe I did ,but, I was assuming that since life isn't always fair, and that some people get screwed while doing the right thing...it would stand to reason that there are those of us that have done the wrong thing.....or in my case, done A LOT of wrong things, I would have gotten away with it. Nooooo. Huh-uh.....not even close.
My wife for example, decides she was going to put a roast in the crock pot while she was at work and come home to fix dinner. She leaves for work at 6:00AM....I do not even get to bed until 3:00AM. At 7 in the morning, I hear someone beating the hell out of my front door. I jump up, all googly eyed, my hands are numb from sleeping on them, fighting to put some pants on. I open the door and see its my father in-law.....all googly eyed as well. My first though was something happened to my wife on the way to work. Nope, it seems she realized that the crock pot was brand new and one of her co-workers informed her that it is often common practice that a new crock pot will have a piece of paper between the pot and the heating element. My wife calls her dad to have him come to my house to check and see if the papaer had been removed. This was awful nice of him to do so. After he informs me of this we check the crock and all is good. No paper. Later that day, my wife calls me and tells my why she sent her dad over. She did not want to wake me up. I then asked her " Honey, if I am the only one home.....and your dad does not have the key.....how the hell do you think he got in?" There was a moment of silence as I could hear the wind whistling through her earlobes. Yup, the light are on ,but nobody's home with this woman. She then replies " Oh yeah.....anyway, you might want to get something to eat on the way home."....What?! You just had a roast in the crock pot. She couldn't have. She did. The only way you can screw up a roast in a crock pot is if you put the roast in , turn it on high, and not add water... which she exactly did.
Now, my wife is a true blonde. Dumb to the core. She sales supplies to doctors' offices such as chairs, storage bins, brief cases, etc. She sold some items to a doctor and asked the doctor for her e-mail address so she could send her the tracking #. After about an hour, she fianlly got tired of having her e-mails returned due to having the incorrect address. She calls the doctor back and confirms the address. Then my wife asks her " How do you spell MSN......does that start with an "I" or an "E"?"
Oh, thats not the best. Just a couple of weeks ago, my blonde wife decides to go have highlights put in her hair......ummm, blonde colored highlights at that. Please, don't ask. I have yet to figure that one out. Anyways, she comes in and is all excited that she fdound shampoo to use with her hair coloring treatment ( highlights ). As you can imagine, I just did not share her enthusiam. Later that evening, I decide to go take a shower before going to bed. As I am scrubbing up, I look over and see this big bottle of shampoo she just bought and read the label....there is jsut no way that someone can be this dumb and survive as long as she has. It has to be a record or something. The label reads " Pantene........For Women of Color ". I get out of the shower and broght this to my wife's attention. I tried to explain to her that it is for OF color...not with color and that technically, pale white is a color, that is not what they meant. It was meant for black women. Well, my feels that I am just trying to pull a fast one on her. Trust me, you do not have to pull a fast one on her....slow and steady is just as successful. She calls up her hair stylist to see if I was telling her the truth. Of course I was.
Gentlemen, welcome to my world. -Lou
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