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I'm just rambling a bit. It helps me cope.
Losing James is just damn unbearable. He loved me totally and unconditionally, and was always there for me. He truly was my "soul mate." I have never loved anyone the way that I love him.
Everyone keeps saying it will get better, I honestly do NOT believe that. At all. Not one fucking bit. It seems to me that it is getting worse. The feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming. Crying 1/2 the night, the lack of sleep, being in a constant "fog" that I just can't shake, is wearing me down. I now know the feeling of total agony, and I can't make it stop.
I'm just in a bad spot mentally right now, and it scares me a bit. I've never been so NOT in control of myself.
Dammit.
I hope you take a few minutes listen to these 2 songs.
Rose of my heart-Johnny Cash
This song says so much about how I feel about him. I had learned it on guitar, and I had asked a friend of mine to learn the vocals because I can't sing worth a shit. He never got to hear me play it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7sD6LSTBwo
Johnny and June-Heidi somethingorother
Johnny and June were married for 35 years. Had he lived, I could see us being married that long too. Easy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6-4irHfExI
In addition to losing your soul mate Jeri your just started a new job and started back right away. Thats a lot of stress. There is a reason there are bereavement leaves. I know in my case I'd rather work and stay busy myself but people do like time away to grieve.
If your not improving Jeri don't be afraid to go to the doctor and see if you have depression as a result of everything going on. They could give you something to help you through the rough patch your going on. Its not a sign of weakness and pretty normal...hang in there.